June 2010
Get in, Murray!
Trying to work out if there is a perfect ratio for sarcasm.
In the fight between WHAM bar and my tongue/piercing, I’m afraid the sticky slab won. Now seeking new home for 9 (and 3/4) sticks of sugar.
WHAM bars already have a designated home, sorry folks. @Han - Enjoy the sugar rush, but watch out for the EVIL TONGUE GRABBING EFFECT.
FUCK STOP WHAM BAR STUCK TO TONGUE PIERCING STOP CANNOT DETACH STICKY MESS FROM JEWELLERY STOP TONGUE CAUGHT STOP SEND HELP STOP
RT @maltpress: When I’m having a bad day I read everyone’s tweets as if they’re euphemisms. Foam banana: he he he. < That’s ALL I EVER do.
You’ll be pleased to know that thanks to the wonders of modern medicine (eg. antibiotics), I am feeling BETTER. I will be nice now, promise.
Could possibly be too much foam banana, I suppose.
But seeing Federer lose has restored my equilibrium.
I’m going offline to work. If you want to read my interview and/or learn why I think @rustyrockets is fuckable, you’ll have to buy Time Out.
Although I do feel a bit sick after eating a handful of Fruit Salad™, it must be said.
In a surprisingly good mood for only four hours’ sleep, one coffee and no breakfast. Clearly Night Nurse + Glenlivet = a WINNING COMBINATION
To the people saying I look like Carrie Bradshaw, I shall point you here http://bit.ly/cCKUzy and hear nothing else on the matter.
Finally, a photo of me which I do not hate; thanks, Time Out! NB. Laptop pose was checked with H & S first. #f http://twitpic.com/217pxg
Bad: Girl on bus, to me: “That is an awful cough!”. Good: (same) Girl on bus, to me: “But your sunglasses are awesome!”. Rockin’ AND illin’.
It’s OK to mix Night Nurse and Glenlivet, right?
It sounds like the local - very noisy - baby foxes are keeping my nosebleed-techno-playing neighbours awake. SCHADENFREUDE, FUCKERS!
So. Good. Osborne to put coma patients to work as draft excluders: http://bit.ly/cw9kGX via @newsarse
Besides that, they’re great photos: http://bit.ly/cNECcT
Oh yeah, I’ll be in this tomorrow. You get the choice of a boy or a girl on the cover - I approve. http://twitpic.com/212df8
And to those commenters saying “Oh, but we’re paying to have people pick up our rubbish!” - Fuck you, you 1st world rich privileged wankers.
On looking at these http://bit.ly/cNECcT my first thought is ‘Some bunch of dirty fuckers too lazy to use a trash can.’. via @jackschofield
Opening a new notebook is like foreplay to me. (I am easily pleased.)
At my local hospital, waiting to have a chest X-Ray. JOY.
If there’s a shortage of sputum anywhere in London, I am more than happy to donate the excess I have.
This *definitely* makes up for the shit day I’ve had. http://twitpic.com/210cxz
This has cheered me greatly: The Shining - happy version. (Genius editing.) http://bit.ly/aQVfP
Tempted to publicly humiliate the American PR who sent me an email - full of spelling errors - asking me to plug their film. But I won’t.
However, I will point out that ‘strategy’ is NOT spelt ‘statagy’ and that there’s some nice irony in this being in their publicity campaign.
Probably the right time to post this again, I guess: http://www.howtousetwitterformarketingandpr.com
FYI, I’m available to do voiceovers for anti-smoking ads. (But get me into the studio quick, whilst I still sound like an annoyed ogre.)
Discovered that @aquarterof have a special offer on Fruit Salads and I was UNABLE TO RESIST; I now have a delivery of 70s sweets on its way.
OMG: http://www.myfabland.com YES.
41% of respondents say they’re “In love”? Fellow misanthropes: please go to http://www.howareyoubritain.co.uk and vote “Hungover” instead.
Dear @fabicelolly, do you do emergency deliveries? There’s an ill author in north London who desperately needs you. Please send help. Zoe xx
Overjoyed that Lu is through. #wimbledon
If a north-London-dwelling nosebleed-techno-playing-bastard’s found dead with their ears stuffed into their mouth, you’ll be my alibi right?
Facebook: basically full of pedants, gossipers and flirts. I am none of the above, honest guv’.
RT @Rowenna_Davis: women studying/working in maths, IT, computers and other ‘male’ subjects - I need to talk to you for a guardian artic …
Thatcherism is alive and well; AKA Osborne says to disabled people: “Fuck you.”. http://bit.ly/c2QCLX
Overnight, someone stole my lungs and replaced them with razor blades. Utter BASTARDS.
Love that BBC are using Tim Henman as a commentator. Because clearly he is an EXPERT at what makes a tennis champion. #wimbledon
The Williams/Groth match is already exciting; a new challenger to the throne, perhaps? #wimbledon
Someone is coughing very loudly and keeping me awake. Oh, that would be me. Bugger.
Should be in bed but am transfixed by BBC’s coverage of @lcdsoundsystem playing at #glasto and James Murphy’s sexy stubble.
Toots & The Maytals = awesome.
But there’ll be no rubbing down of my chest - no matter how altruistic the offers, ta.
Thank you for your well wishes.
FANTASTIC! I now have a chest infection!! Fourth one this year!!! BRILLIANT.
I am NOT going to watch #eng. Why break the habit of a lifetime? Anyway, there’s some work I need to catch up on.
